My name is Evelyn and I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. However, today, I am living a victorious life because of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
THE BEGINNING I grew up in a very strict Catholic home in Guyana, South America. My parents, 5 brothers, 2 sisters and I, lived in a small 3 bedroom house, and, life consisted mostly of church, home, school and visiting family. My life took a turn for the worse, because from age 4 to probably age 14, two family members began sexually abusing me. They used threats and intimidation to keep me quiet. They convinced me it was my fault and everyone would agree it was my fault if I told. I was afraid and kept quiet.
I continued to attend church, but I didn’t have a relationship with God because the God I knew from my teachings at home was a God of wrath. Since I was also told that God would punish me if I did anything wrong or bad, I believed I was abused because I was bad and God was punishing me through my abusers.
This abuse continued until I was about age 14 or 15. However, at age 14, I decided that it was time to check out of life as I knew it. The plan popped into my head one morning as I was sitting at the back of the motor cycle of my main abuser as he was driving me to school.
He loved to drive really fast so, one morning, as he sped up, putting his motorcycle in full gear, I calmly got up and leaped off backwards from his motorcycle right into the rush hour traffic, in the midst of the bicycles, vans, donkey carts, and cars merging together on the road.
The way I jumped off the motorcycle should have resulted in my hitting the road head first but, every time I did it, it seemed like I was put in a protective bubble and I was placed gently on the road, always walking away with minor scratches. I did this over and over always with the same results. Then one day, my abuser decided to take a short cut and, as he was driving by a trench, which was dried up but filled with broken bottles, I stood up and leaped sideways into the trench onto the broken bottles. When I was pulled out of the trench, I had pieces of broken bottles stuck in my arms and legs and some were in pretty deep but, for the first time in my life, I felt happy because I was convinced that when the pieces of bottle were pulled out, no one would be able to stop the bleeding, and, I would slowly bleed to death. That didn’t happen because, as one of my teachers began pulling the pieces of bottle out, each and every wound just closed up and became a tiny scratch. I was so disappointed, and it was at this point that I really began believing that God was punishing me so, I gave up and life continued in the same old abusive routine, until my abuser got married and emigrated to Canada.
Then, in 1972, my parents told me I was emigrating to Canada and, even though I was 19 years of age, I knew that I had to obey. I didn’t want to come to Canada because I knew I would be living in the home of the person who was my main abuser and, even though I knew my older sister was going to be there, I was afraid and became very despondent.
However, a few days before leaving Guyana for Canada, my dad came to pick me up at school, and as I was sitting on the back carrier of his bicycle, feeling really sad and afraid, I heard a voice saying “it will be okay” and, I looked up and there He was, a man, dressed in a white tunic with a purple poncho-like covering over it, chestnut brown golden hair and the most beautiful kind eyes I had every seen. He had a broom in his hands and he was sweeping. In that split second, as we looked at each other He repeated “It will be okay” then he was gone. I went back to the house where I had seen Him, the next day and the day after that, looking for him but, couldn’t find him so, I though I must have imagined it and put the incident out of my mind.
Subsequently, on September 21, 1972, I entered Canada and, three weeks later, my greatest fear came true. The very first time I was alone with my abuser he tried to rape me but I fought him and won. I was very angry. This attack created a number of angry situations which resulted in my sister and I leaving and finding a place of our own. This was the second happiest day of my life because I no longer had to live in fear of being abused ever again.
THE TRANSFORMATION BEGINS – HIS PLANS The Nails Revelation I continued to attend church because I grew up with the belief that if you didn’t go to church you would not go to heaven. This continued until March 2005, when a friend invited me to the church she was attending to see an Easter show called “The ‘NAILS”.
I didn’t understand what was happening in the NAILS since I had just started reading the Bible. At the end of the NAILS production the person who was playing the part of Jesus was strung up on a cross and, as I watched them raise the cross up, I no longer saw the person portraying Jesus but I saw the ONE I had seen before emigrating to Canada. The One who told me “it will be okay” and, I became convinced He was living at this church; thus began my journey in attending church on a more permanent basis because I had to find the One I had seen on the cross, the One I had seen before immigrating to Canada. What I didn’t realize was that He wasn’t living in the building; His Holy Spirit was living in my heart.
The Baptism- Born Again and Encounter Towards the end of April 2005 this same church was having an encounter weekend and my friend invited me to attend. She said this encounter weekend was like a retreat where everyone has a one on one time with God. In my naïve mind, I thought God was going to appear in person and everyone will get a chance to speak to Him. I though “yeah, I would really like to meet Him face to face.”
All through that Encounter weekend I kept waiting for God to appear; instead this guy kept coming up to me saying “He said to let go and let him in” then he would disappear only to reappear at different times, tap me on the shoulder and repeat “He said to let go and let him in”. I had no idea what he was talking about and I thought he was crazy, especially, when I said to him “so you’re hearing voices are you?” and he said, “yes, you need to let go and let him in.”
Now in Guyana where I was born, if you admit you were hearing voices they would treat you as if you were really crazy so, I spent the rest of that weekend trying to hide from this guy, thinking he is totally nuts. But then, a funny thing happen during that weekend: I felt this strong influence to fill out the form for the Water Baptism – I had no idea why and, when my family asked me why I said “it’s just something I have to do.”
On the Sunday morning after the Encounter weekend, the day of the water baptism, everyone met together and, each one of us had to explain what the weekend meant to us and why we wanted to be baptized. Since I had spent the weekend waiting for God to appear, I felt the weekend had been a total waste of time. However, I couldn’t very well say that so, I wrote what I thought was a perfect answer. Though, just before it was my turn to answer the question I began hearing voices. In fact, it sounded like the whole United Nations was in my head. The voices were loud and sounded like the people were arguing; I began feeling really overwhelmed from all the noise but, I couldn’t tell anyone because they might lock me up and I still had to find the One I had seen on the Cross.
It was, at this point, that I heard myself say quietly, “Lord, please take these voices away, they are driving me crazy”. That was the first time in my life I had ever cried out to God for help. That was also the moment I did what I had been asked to do throughout that whole encounter weekend. I let go and let Him in.
As I stepped into the baptismal water, the voices merged into one and, the words WASHING, CLEANSING, RENEWED, HEALING were very clear. I didn’t understand what these words meant. All I knew was that something had changed and I began crying because I was overcome with an incredible feeling of being loved, being held, and feeling safe. When I left the pool it felt like I was being carried. It felt like I had two people one on each side lifting me up. In fact I felt like that for two days. I kept looking at my feet to see if I was floating and was always surprised when I saw they were on the ground.
WOUNDED HEART IMPLEMENTED In August 2005, I attended a ladies night at The Life Centre church. On that night, a young woman shared her testimony. Her story was similar to mine. I was shocked because I never knew there were others out there like me. There was an altar call at the end of her testimony and, the response was so overwhelming, that the Life Centre asked this young woman to form a group called the Wounded Heart, to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse.
In attending this group, I was provided with a safe environment to explore questions such as: why I was abused, where was God, who am I going to be when all these barriers are broken down. In fact, one day, the facilitator of this group said to me “Evelyn, Jesus wants to be part of your life, He cares so much for you” and my response to her was “So Jesus wants to be in my life, well where was He when I was being abused. He left me there”.
In going through this sexual abuse group, I obtained tools to deal with the trauma of the abuse and to develop a relationship with God. It opened my eyes to see God’s role and it provided tools to begin my healing journey. It gave me tools to take back possession of my soul from the enemy and place it at the feet of the cross. It allowed my heart to begin the healing process of the hurts that were there. It showed me that God can be trusted and that, I can depend on Him. It allowed me to see I had an enemy who wanted me to stay in the dark hole I was in, but, I also have a savior in heaven who wanted me to step into and stay in His light.
BIBLE SCHOOL In Sept 2005, God told me He wanted me to attend bible school because He saw how much I was struggling with seeing Him as a God of love and, He needed to change my perception of Him being a punishing God. It was through the essays written for the classes of the bible school that God not only revealed Himself as a God who really loves me but, we worked on the baggage I was carrying because of the abuse.
It was also through the essays that He revealed to me: why I needed to make different choices, why I needed to forgive my abusers, why I needed to chose life and that my choices will affect my family for generations to come. (Deut 26:16-19; Deut. 30:15-2) I graduated from this bible school in June 2008.
RETIREMENT – PREPARING FOR MINISTRY Wounded Heart Ministry In 2008 God put another part of His plan into place for me. I had been co-leading the Wounded Heart Group since 2007 but, this time, He asked me to take another step. He called me to retire from work and prepare myself for full time ministry in leading this Wounded Heart Group. (Luke 9: 23-27 - turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me – see full text at the end)
As part of my preparation, He commissioned me to write devotional stories for this abused group. I completed writing these devotions in 2009.
CELEBRATE RECOVERY GROUP In 2011, yet another part of His plan was put into place, when I was asked to be a leader in a group called Celebrate Recovery.
My reasons for saying yes to being a leader in this group were very self-centered because I didn’t think I had any hurts, hang-ups, or habits that needed fixing, but, I believed that others did; I needed to be there to help fix them. But, God showed me how wrong I was, and today, He is still using this group to reveal areas that are hidden and need to be brought into the light.
Today, through this Celebrate Recovery Group, He is healing me of the “things” I put into place to survive during the dark periods of my life. The “things” that Celebrate Recovery called hang-ups and habits; I labeled as “just being me”. Today, He is teaching me it is my role to encourage and support, His job to fix.
SUMMING UP The sexual abuse I endured, left me with a deep sense of betrayal which took root in the depths of my soul. This betrayal created a lot of shame, anger and hatred in me. It destroyed my ability to love boldly and to trust. It ignited in me a deep seated need for revenge, not only for my abusers by against anyone who knew about the abuse but did nothing to stop it.
The abuse I endured left me with a sense of being unworthy, unwanted, marked, unprotected and tarnished. I have worked very hard over the years to be seen as unblemished. It is a difficult road to walk so, I live each day, one day at a time, because if I don’t the betrayal and shame could resurface and take over my life.
I gave praise and thanks to God, for the Wounded Heart Group that was formed in 2005 because it was through this group that I was given the tools I needed to dig out and deal with the shame, betrayal and contempt I felt towards myself and others. I know that if I had not had that opportunity to heal, I would not have been open to being part of the Celebrate Recovery Program and, would have missed out on seeing the areas that still needed to be healed.
Looking back, I see that God was always with me, through the abuse, every trial, every hurt. Yes, He saved me when I was trying to end my life, not because He was punishing me but because He had a much greater plan for my life. (Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)
He has shown me in so many ways, that during the period of abuse His heart broke because I was being hurt and used in a way He did not intend.
Everything that I have done since accepting Christ as my Savior, in 2005, was not a coincidence but, it was all part of God’s master plan for me. (Ecclesiastes 3-a time for everything)
It was not a coincidence that He put The Life Centre church into position to allow this young woman to give her testimony and, me to hear it. It was not a coincidence that He prompted me to be baptized on May 1, 2005.. It is not a coincidence that I am now also part of a Celebrate Recovery Program or, that He has transitioned me into The Community Pentecostal Church, where, He is about to unfold the next phase of His plan for the Wounded Heart Group in September 2013.
Today, I can honestly say, I am happy to be alive. I feel an intense joy deep inside of me and I am looking forward to what life has to offer because, from here on forward, nothing and no one will ever keep me in bondage ever again. So yes, today I am proud to say “I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior and, I live my life to bring glory to God my Father, through His Son Jesus.”
This is a short summary of my story. I hope it speaks for itself and that it conveyed to you the importance of seeking out for yourself: who is this God that calls himself Father, Savior, Healer, the great I AM.
I became a born again believer because I finally saw the truth. God is a God of love. He was there even before I was conceived. He is the only one who will love me or you unconditionally.( Psalm 139:13-18)
The scriptures I stand on today is the one I first memorized: Galatians 2:20 I (Evelyn) have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ (who) lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me.
Luke 9: 23-27 Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels. I tell you the truth, some standing here right now will not die before they see the Kingdom of God.”
Thank you for reading my story. Evelyn
healing, wounded, heart, masks, sexual abuse, Community Church, brokenness , pain, things we take for granted, taste of freedom, traps